new live journal -> valiant_heart

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school. school sucks. i was contemplating leaving mon don, but something hit me and i was thought, leave mon don? what the hell, its one of the easiest schools *with the exception of freaking physics haha* but i also had therapy last night and i talked to my therapist about it, and he wasn't a fan. therefor i will remain in mondon. oye !

otherwise.. jill and i are in another one of our rifts.. but i think this ones for good. i've talked to my therapist about it last night as well.. and i told him a lot. how i felt this rift was my fault, as well as jill did.. and he kind of saw it differently. he said that a true friend respects how another preson feels... and she should have done so, more than once. it's weird because i'm so used to seeing her first thing in the morning and the last thing in the afternoons. since the day i met her she was the greatest person in my life, and now i don't have her in my life. i've fought with her more than anyone, but for every bad time there was a good one to match it. we've had so awesome evenings together, and our sleepovers.. god no one could top our sleepovers. when my grams died.. she disappeared, i guess she didn't know how to handle the death, cause i didn't know how to either, can't blame her there. and then she came back into my life the minute marc and i broke up because i needed her. no matter what, i needed her. and she knew that. it was enough. but now its not. and it burns so bad, because i do need her. for whatever reason. i'm one of thoes people who enjoys feeling like crap about themselves. but i always felt okay around her, yeah i'm the ugly friend, she's the gorgeous one.. it just worked. i may have been more insecure around her than anyone else, but she helped me grow up and get over stupid crap that i had a hard time getting over. it's so hard to walk the halls of mon don and see her with other people because it should've been her and i.

and once again.. i come to the conclusion of fate. "fate is an elegant cold-hearted whore" - the spill canvas. basically i agree totally with this line. i hate fate. fate is my enemy. i've lost so many people in my life, and i consistantly say its my fault, its my fault and then i feel like a sick bastard and end up cutting myself. NO. this is not good. i've realized that what happens, happens for a reason. maybe jill and i have overcome fate every other time in our friendship, but no matter what, maybe we're destined to be apart? it's so hard to picture her out of my life forever. but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. i know inside i love her, and i always will. i'll cherish our memories forever, and i will never forget any of them.. but its time for me to grow up, and move on. and the same for her. these childish games and arguments are just going to continue to happen and make us sick. it's not fair to either one of us.

last night as i was lying in bed, i was thinking a lot about this. i could either go back on my hands and knees and beg for forgiveness like i always had before, or just let it go. i don't see why i must apologize for my feelings. i'm human, i can't control the way i feel, or the way i react to things. and it sucks really it does, but it's part of who i am, it makes me me. this time, i'm not going to crawl back and ask for forgiveness. she knows everything about me, and this was expected to happen with what actually did.

so.. as far back as 7th grade can go.. back to mrs. blanz's religion class, the 69 guy, basketball, breaking arms, guys, snoopy hooded sweatshirts + a carebear, bike rides, lindas/schiano's pizza, ice cream sundaes, sleep overs, late talks, phone conversations, movies, parties, embarassing moments, swimming, the beach at night, the street corner crew, highschool, homecoming, tutoring, trips to the mall, dinner with mrs dubs, concert, surfclub, nightmare before christmas, timeless laughs, trapping me under a chair, portable penis, that time i fell over the curb and blood spewed from my toe, softball games, basketball games, tee-shirt making, fan clubs... i love you jill ann dubnansky..and i always will.

well school started.. i completely hated it. i felt so out of place.. i'm not sure why. maybe because i don't really know anyone in strength.. a class i didnt even want to take but i took because of stupid softball.. and we start lifting today and im freakingggg out.. oh shit. haha. oh well. my other classes are okay. i was really overwhelmed yesterday wasn't exactly expecting what it was yano? i didnt realize id have so many seniors in my classes... oi. i guess its just time for me to grow up. hope everyone else enjoyed school!

xo ajb

i hate the way your still everything to me & you dont even know it.

reasons for hating summer

1. softball owns me
2. i cant drive
3. i havent seen my best friends with the exception of jill
4. everytime i make plans they fall through
5. i never see you.
6. im lonely
7. it makes me depressed

a nagging aunt is way worth time with my bfferr fo life..

i love you heath.. i miss you already doll.. you must come down here soon because i cant live without youuuuu

well the start of the summer has been decent.. to day i hung out with jill and we baked a cake and made chocolate covered strawberries, very niceeee haha..

ive been thinking a lot. and it pisses me off. i hear comments left and right.. and they kill me. i always stick up for this person. im always defending them no matter what, and they dont even realize it. they just dont seem to care about me at all, and i hate it. it really pisses me off because i try so damn hard to make everyone happy, except myself, but i know this person makes me happy, except when they piss me off. its a mass of confusion. my brain is so bothered by. i think about the person often, talk about them often, and still it doesnt matter right? its all just a waste of time..

god i need ash..
....

i wrote this :

words are short and fiery on a day like today
sending blazing fire through my core
i see you standing near the door of the exit
where do you go my love? where are you now?
do i follow or just lay low?
my heart says to follow though my muscles tense
i tremble slightly, for you're eyes make this so hard
out into the street, the rain is falling down on you
you stand there gazing up into a dark sky
i'd do anything to be able to hold you, to feel you
i walk slowly towards you, rain splashing my soul
nothing is stopping me now
i tremble harder as i take each step closer to you
i reach out my hand and place it on your shoulder
feeling you, a shock runs through my body
as if i were struck there by lighting..
though there was no lightning to be seen
just two children growing up in the pouring rain
gaining the feeling of the lightning of love
feeling so sharp so strong
this one way street will hold my destiny
silence rips me apart
i dont know what’s falling harder
the rain or my tears
i pick up pace running from rejection
i see the lights but i keep on going
BAM !
my world is now shattered
from above, i see you run towards the site
the casualty is one
tears run down your cheeks as i drift away
you held me, knowing I was gone forever
blood trickling down my forehead
you kiss me once leaving me to eternal happiness
i loved you, and in that moment you knew it


its sort of to you all know who.. ;x

haha.. im gay. anyway delaware was pretty rad.. we won 2 games and lost 2 .. but i pitched <3 and i love that, so it was well worth it, and plus major bonding time with my mom.. sort of? amy had this big shindig and well my mom kept bugging out about it, oh well for that. my mom's pissed about it anyway haha.. i went 1-2 as well, yeah i only had 2 at bats all weekend, SUCKS.. oh well its a 500 weekend for me :D haha. . my mom bought me this silver bracelet that has a i <3 softball charm on it in a heart and its WAYYYY cute so that made me wayy happyy haha..

i missed my friends sooo much i cant wait to hang out and go out again haha.. i love that. hopefully this week i'll hang with ash and tom..and of course jilly poooooo possibly laur depending on her work schedule and my softball schedule haha.. i love my life.

well i learned a lot about myself this weekend, i read through 2 books in 2 days. and well.. i know something about myself ee..

well my sunburnm hurts so im outta hurr..

xo ajb

yeah.. im pretty much bored haha..i was supposed to have people over tonight..but then ash couldnt..and laur couldnt.. and tom never answered me, but he has la familia over so im guessing he couldnt.. and jills doing other stuff lol..and thats pretty much the basis of my party list haha. then tomorrow ash tom and arty were supposed to go to my game but ash has work :( but thats okay we're going out after that or something, who knows. whatever works is fine by me. i decided that i love my friends. they are completely the most amazing people ever.. and i know i was bummed about certain things this weekend, but my friends just made me laugh histerically and i needed that like crazy so much love to ash jill laur and tom.. you guys are amazing..you know.. i finally feel like i belong somewhere. isn't that nuts? i love those kids like its my fucking job.. haha. now im sitting here waiting to hear if jill is coming today or not she said she might come later.. who knows..my uncle came over before.. and hes such a strange guy.. he makes me laugh though.. hes a total burnt out surfer guy..its hilarious.. he's the best though.. him and his lectures haha.. i guess i needed one.. but i feel much better about things and im sorry for the way ive acted *to all my friends* .. i just hope you guys know i love you.. especially with whats coming up soon.....

xo ajb

well...ash's party fucking rocked.. it was small and i loved it.. it was ash, tom, lauren, laura, maureen, and colleen for a bit.. we had so much fun and there was a pinyata and evreything it was amazing.. we had a blast.. we played with water balloons and watched starsky and hutch.. well sort of.. haha.. i was writing in laurens yearbook like randomness...LAUREN EMAIL THE POEM I WROTE YOU !! now jill and josh are over..yay to that. they have fun. i sit online and update haha..i felt kind of weird though..my head was pounding ..and my stomach was doing flip flops :( i better go..

xo ajb

so today was relatively good.. i guess. im sitting home doing nothing but oh well.. and you know when you finally meet that one person that makes ur day so much better.. and you just feel so complete around them..and then all of a sudden it goes kuputz. yeah..tom broke up with me.. and i cant blame him..i understand where hes coming from, and i respect how he feels.. yesterday i kept thinking i wish this was new york.. and i guess because i knew in the back of my head this was going to be happening. he started to get quiet, and you can just tell with these kind of things..women's intuition i think its called.. i kept wishing yesterday in philly that i was new york because thats when i realized i liked tom.. i mean i really liked him a lot.. and i still do.. things dont blow over that quickly.. i'm a little upset.. but were going to try being friends, which hopefully will work out fine.. and wont end up like things with marc did.. todays ashleys birthday.. so HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE.. and now i'm off to try and get rid of this empty/naseous feeling in the pit of my stomach.. i suddenly feel so alone again..

xo ajb

well today was the trip to philly.. and it was interesting...the bus ride there was okay, i originally sat with tom but he switched w/ aj because we played cards, but we only played one more round haha..then this girl was going on with riddles and jokes and it was kind of weird. i was thinking im on a class trip ..i dont want to think much haha... but oh well.. we got into philly like 10 something i guess, i wasn't paying attenion.. i loved the poe house.. its amazing. except for the spiders in the cellar.. but just thinking that this amazing writer that i admire lived there.. and i was there.. its an amazing feeling. then we walked out and we had to answer these questions/scavenger hunt... the group i was with ended up walking around the city doing the stupid thing the entire time..we walked around for 3 hours straight w/out stopping, but we got it done. so that was good.. but we were the only group who didnt get food so we were all starving haha..it was silly..and then we were the first ones back and that was good.. i guess. we got to sit around for a bit.. it kinda sucked.i didnt have as much fun as i thought i would.. i guess i expected it to be like new york..but i got to spend some time with tom, and kids hes better friends with than i am..which is cool because they are awesome kids i just wish we didnt have to do the scav hunt. ugh. im such a dork.. i fell asleep on the bus on the way back, poor tom he was sitting with me.. i hope i didnt snore.. haha..

i love how i just see your face, and i cant help but smile

xo ajb

things have been slow paced lately.. nothing really knew going on..josh asked out jill, cuteness.. he gave her a rose and stuff, so i have 2 of my good friends dating eachother.. yummy.... tom went driving today and he didnt die, so amen for that because i dont know what i'd do if he died i'd feel terrible haha..today i did this hair thing for my cousin/family friend.. it was interesting.. very interesting..but it got me out of school.. then i had therapy.. which went okay.. i hate therapy.. but the guys cool.. we talked about tattoos.. and my crush on mr sonday haha.. and how theres a photo of mr sonday and i in the year book.. yes my life rocks..not. i should be so happy right now and im not.. ugh. villanova is in august.. and i have no one to room with, after cait said we were gonna room together like.. a week ago before this crap.. so thanks to her for that one. im fed up with people. little shit is bothering me and i cant handle it, but i cant let it out because will be pissed at me, and i cant handle that either. i should've let it out at therapy but noo we were too busy talking about my crush on mr sonday and how much i like tom. good things to talk about at therapy when theyre known to the world, i guess al, my therapist needed to know. ha im excited about philly though. time with tom and everyone else im going with, which i dont really know details. but im excited. ah he makes my life so much better..

xo ajb

well. .. i ended up going out tonight with tom and lauren. we saw monster in law, and it was pretty funny.. lauren is one crazy girl, and tom..well tom is amazing :D im going to get all mushy here so if u dont want to read it then dont. lol.. yanno when your around someone and you just cant help but smile? and you get all giddy as soon as you see them, and you even laugh at times because your so nervous.. but not that sick to your stomach nervous, the nervous that you just want to be perfect for that one person... especially when that one person gives you hope in your lost world? you feel so cared for just by the look in their eyes..and all you have to do is see them and you feel touched, loved, and held... and there isnt even a finger laid on you..i love that feeling. i've never really felt so good around a guy before. i feel amazing and so relaxed around him. ah.i love this. i have never felt so happy in my life.. i absolutely love this..

goodnight
xo ajb

*comments?*

well hm.. lets see. last night i was supposed to have an amazing time but as ash would say, god hates me. first jill josh tom and i were supposed to go to the movies and then tom couldnt go. so i didn't want to go and feel weird. so then josh was like HEY EVERYONE COME HERE. so jill and i did that. i didn't want to go, but i did. and i had a horrible time. its probably my own damn fault but i just felt out of place and like i didn't even need to be there.. it was like okay we'll have alley there because she has no other friends? ugh. i am so tired of feeling so god damn alone all the time. i hate myself more every day and its getting to the point where i cant handle it. and ya know when you just feel alone and like you're going to snap? last night i barely talked. i guess thats my own problem, but what was i to say? i didn't have much to say. josh's mom was talking to us and i answered her and that was the most i talked. i love jill and i love josh, but next time they all get together its going to have to be without me. i was just sitting there and josh's dog was my best friend of the evening. which is all well and good. i want jill and josh to be happy. i really do, but its not necessary for me to be there just to feel weird and hate myself. low self-esteem much? i guess. and his friends are nice, they didn't talk to me much, i guess thats my fault too because i'm too damn shy *aka self conscious* and then i think, i could've went to cape may, but i didnt. i wanted to hang out with my friends instead of cry all weekend. and hey whatta know, I FEEL WORSE THAN I DID. i hate this. i need to snap out of this. i know i'm ranting, but thats what this stupid thing is for. and yeah i was a little upset tom couldnt hang out. who wouldnt be.he was my ticket to feel comfortable at the movies, and then i look at lauren's lj, and her and her friends hada blast last night, WHY CANT I HAVE THAT? why cant i be happy when everyone else is? ugh. i hate myself.

someone just shoot me

xo ajb

well this week has been amazing, but stressful at times.. but all in all its been good..

wednesday we beat jackson 3-2.. YAY.. and today we beat point beach 3-2.. yay ! 2 game winning streak.. yess!.. tomorrow is our last game :( thats so upsetting, the season went by soooo fast.. but it was fun, even though we didnt do as well as we should've..i'm going to miss jess, jc, and t so much next year, i love those girls,and there will be no other car rides like the ones with jess..gosh i love them :D

today tom jill josh and cait came to my game, they totally messed with my head again and at first i was upset bc they sort of lied to me.. and everyone knows i hate that.. but it was okay because i know they wanted me to be happy and surprised, which i was. i love those kids so much they are amazing. it feels good to have people there for you.. amazing.

yesterday my mom didnt show up at the game, and i knew something was wrong. amy was in the hospital but it turned out to be ovarian systs.. but she's okay.. so thank god for that..

yanno im watching thats so raven and you know what i realized.. raven is a hoe. she always has a new boyfriend haha i love this show its the best..

TOMORROW IS HOLLY HOCKS FUCKING BIRTHDAY...HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY LOVE :D!!!

school is stressing me out, and i wish iwouldnt over analyze things, but oh well... i think tomorrow im going to the movies so yay for that haha..

i really miss john :(

xo ajb